I’m annoyed. As an aspiring author and poet – nothing sucks more than no inspiration. It claws at my insides, knowing that I have a perfectly abled vocabulary and a mind to match – but simply cannot pen anything down. I could blame so many things for this – but it only seems like blaming myself is the right thing to do. Cause that’s what makes sense right? It’s my fault for turning into this person.
My initial hurdle with blogging was being prompt. I used the daily prompts to the maximum – trying to post when ever I could. Alas, that ‘whenever’ was very erratic. It bugged me extensively, but that’s what ensued.
The next hurdle? Feeling like I was posting for someone else, not for me. Feeling like the content I published was restricted. Therefore I made another blog, which vastly contrasted my other one. I loved both dearly, but found it more enticing to post on the latter. I could write what I wanted, without having to meet anyone’s expectations but my own. This year – I merged the two blogs on 13th September – a huge event in my life. I felt as though a part of me was missing, because my old blog was with me from 2011. When I was a wee middle schooler. Even though I transferred all of the content, there are something’s that will never be the same. Overall, I did feel more content and lighter than I had for over two years. An added bonus – it’s easier managing one blog rather than two 😛
My problem now? Is that I’m not feeling any motivation to write at all. It’s probably cause I’m busy with my studies and all the little things that tend to distract teenagers now days. I feel like the spark has been sucked out me. No feeling to do anything. Even if I do think of something – I end up thinking of all the extra work I’ll have to do to get it done. Or how I’m incapable of doing it – due to my various shortcomings.
Pessimistic thinking is one thing that has the capability to disarm you and place you stark naked on the hard, cold ground. Also, pessimism is an easy egg to hatch. It’s almost as if Pandora’s Box is unleashed once you get used to believing that your faults control you – you will never believe that you can ever change for the better again.
Your world is doomed.
Your happiness is phony. It doesn’t touch you.
You lose direction in your life.
Every single decision is made after hundreds of doubts and questions.
You start to see nothing magnificent in the things you used to love.
Everything turns aimless.
It’s such a bother to feel like this. Doing everything mechanically. Without any coherent thoughts, or the inability to make sense of the world around you.
Complaining doesn’t get anyone anywhere, but sometimes it’s the best release of all the pent up frustration and anger. At least it’s healthier than breaking things. But it drains you and adds on to the feeling of pity and worthlessness you feel for yourself.
I have tried to not succumb to this rigid and conformist way of living – but it’s now a part of me. Letting go of anything is hard, even if it’s the thing that breaks you down continuously.
I want to get rid of this life. I want to be free from it. I want to feel that ‘spark’ inside me, slowly igniting my soul into fiery passion. Promises are just words said, until action proves otherwise. I have spoken so many words that are now nothing but false promises – and now I want to change. I’m sick of the kind of person I’ve become. I want to be my own superhero before it’s too late. I need to be my own superhero.
I will be my own hero.
Starting right here, right now.
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